Tag Archives: SUPER BOWL

Mardi Gras in Miami – Superbowl 44

5 Feb

Officially the Whitest Man in America


So.
Here we are.
The biggest NFL game of the year, in a city built for a party.
(puts sunglasses back on) “It appears the Mardi Gras has come to Miami!”
“YAAAAAH!!” (Huge chiming guitar chords, into hideously out of time Keith Moon tom fill)

Because of films and TV, we all think we know what Miami, or at least South Beach is like.
Trust me, you don’t know the half of it. While I still rate Sydney as being the most dangerous city to your health I’ve ever experienced (I’m sure I lost a kidney in the L’otel Darlinghurst once) , Miami is not far behind. I lived there for a year, and trust me, I barely remember any of it. Like none. Zero.

'hey...what time is it? I gotta go to work'

Occasionally I have random flashes like I imagine war veterans or 60’s hippies get, and they are as strange and as terrifying as theirs. Jumbles of colour and bodies and bass heavy sound.
The oddest part is usually the first part of the memory is feeling heat on my skin. Trust me, Jim Cameron’s working on how to replicate that for the Avatar sequels, because tactile memories are intense and frightening.
I feel that muggy Miami heat crawl up my arm, and then I feel the blinding whiteness of the sky at the back of my eyeballs.
All that burnt orange sky a la Bad Boys or Miami Vice is just filters folks.
CSI Miami, with its blue skies and sunsets is shot in Long Beach CA. There was a reason most of the original Miami Vice TV show takes place indoors or at night. Only the excellent Burn Notice uses the real, awful, hard Miami light.

Garielle Anwar of the excellent Burn Notice. Did i mention i like this show?

How will this atmosphere affect the game? 10, 20, 30 years ago Miami would have meant player arrests for solicitation, assault or public drunkenness and guys playing the game with hangovers. Now we’re either at vehicular manslaughter, or nothing. Even the fans are subdued these days. Rhianna is supposed to be playing to 300,000 on South Beach tomorrow night, but they will all be South Florida kids who couldn’t care less about the game except as a good place to score johns or cougars. (Please note: Rhianna playing a free gig at the beach while The Who play the SB halftime show. Thank you ‘wardrobe malfunction’.)

So no advantage for either side there. (Having said that, if Peyton Manning is busted with a transvestite hooker then Tiger will start running around Mississippi screaming ‘Free at last! Free at last!’.)

How do they do cheerleader wise?

SAINTS

Who Dey?

COLTS

Nice use of the horseshoe

Like the game, this is very close.
But given the poor recruiting area the Colts have to deal with (trust me, Indianapolis is a lot like Invercargill with a racetrack) you have to give them the vote.

Which is how the game will go.

The Colts win this going away. In fact it may be over by the third quarter. It will take a David-Tyree-catch level of upset to beat them.

The Colts are immensely good and ruthlessly efficient. And that’s BEFORE you add in Peyton Manning. Honestly, this team may well be in the SB with dad Archie Manning at QB they are that good, but when you have the smartest football player of all time running the offense, well, the Saints had the right idea when they talked about trying to knock him out early.
Peyton has no equal at reading the game while in it.
He is the Zidane of the NFL in a button down shirt and tidy sweater.
Other QBs have better arm strength, can run, or can match him for guts (including the Saints’ Drew Brees). No-one else can read what a defense is doing better than him.

On the other side of the ball is a defense that will use speed to counter Saints’ coach Sean Peyton’s inventive offensive schemes. The Saints will score, especially early, but its like watching a poker tournament where the old pro lets the kid win a few pots to learn his style, then destroys him over time.
Having the lightest defensive front in the league as the Colts do isn’t a weakness if you need to adjust quickly, which is exactly what the Saints are vulnerable to.

I think the Saints will score first, and could even lead close to the half. But then the Colts will drop the hammer.

COLTS 38 SAINTS 24

Meanwhile this year I will be watching the game in Las Vegas, at Emeril Lagasse’s (he of the ‘bam!’ and a boatload of plastic surgery) Stadium Grill at the Palazzo.

pass the hot sauce mon cherie

It’s a bar! Its a 5 star restaurant! It’s a sportsbook! It’s nuts! I’ll be able to place a prop bet on the size of Reggie Bush’s penis vs his rushing yards while scarfing $15 Salmon Tartare!
Obviously given Lagasse’s heritage it will be a Saints fest in there, but hey, most places will be. I mean let’s be honest – if you’re not from Indiana why would you be a fully fledged Colts fan?
Whereas New Orleans, birthplace of jazz and crab louie and the most sexy/godforsaken accent this side of John Candy in ‘JFK’ (see below)? Have you never seen The Big Easy (hilarious trailer here)? They will be the sentimental favourite sure.

But on Sunday in Miami, they will meet the least sentimental football team in the NFL.

(puts on sunglasses, looks away from camera)

“Mardi Gras,………(LONG ASS PAUSE)…..is officially over.”

CUE MUSIC

– Mark Tierney

PS: I will be tweeting the game because a) I finally want to use that space for something and b) I’m a dick. Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/marktierneyfilm

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