Tag Archives: ROLL ‘TIDE!

BEWARE! Tiger free zone!

5 Dec

Sweet Home Alabama

That’s obviously a lie, because there is currently no other news, sports or otherwise in this country.

I’m pretty sure during the screaming 24-7 HOLLYWOOD ACCESS EXTRA! TMZ FOX LA coverage I may have passed out and woken up in a parallel universe where the sex life of a short balding ethnic guy is somehow an event on par with the assassination of a President, and/or the SEC championship game (more on that later).

This being LA my ‘talking bullshit with the boys at the pub’ happens at 7.30 in the morning in a Coffee Bean in Century City. So this morning our group spent 30 minutes ACTING OUT ALL THE POSSIBLE TIGER/ELIN SCENARIOS. By the end of our latte’s we’d written 3/4’s of the Lifetime movie. You’ve probably done the same just without the McKee script rules.

This is nuts.

Man got road beef.

Man is rich, famous.

This is news?

He is also bald (he keeps that baseball cap nailed to his head for a reason), completely uncharismatic in person and is the best in the world at a useless skill masquerading as a sport.

Golf was invented by the Scots folks. The people that gave us Curling.

Its maintained by people who like living in gated communities and think beige chinos are chic. Who make moves on each other’s wives like it was 1974, yet act hurt and surprised if wifey is banging her trainer while they are at the 19th hole cracking dirty jokes with a waitress younger than their daughter. The ONLY positive about this whole thing is we will eventually get to see entire issues of PLAYBOY/MAXIM/HUSTLER devoted to his greatest ‘strokes’.

And finally, where was our boy Steve Williams in all this?

Elin has an identical TWIN. You bag that duo Tiger and I'll finally be impressed.

NFL GAMES WORTH CHEATING ON ELIN FOR:

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS v MIAMI DOLPHINS

The Patriots are running out of gas on their dynasty, and no-one really wants to admit it. Tom may never be the 2007 Tom again, and there are just too many holes on defense now for the Pats to hold anybody. We are watching a heavyweight in decline, and that’s just fine. They gave us a great decade.
Miami need to show some fire through a whole game. They are really well coached, but just seem to lack that little spark that would lift them into the elite. For Miami, next year’s draft will be VERY important. Still, they can scare anybody right now, and this will be a tough, wily game. It kills me to say it, but I think Miami take it.

TENNESSEE TITANS v INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

This game is all about Titans running back Chris Johnson and Indy’s defense. Peyton and his boys will take care of scoring for Indy, but its up to the Indy defense to stop Johnson’s power and Vince Young’s luck. It’s so great to see the Vincester play well, and scare people. 9 wins in a row as a starting QB in this league is no fluke. However, if his streak falls here (and probably Tennessee’s playoff hopes with it) no-one will chastise him for it. Indianapolis are a good team led by the greatest football player playing right now.

BALTIMORE RAVENS v GREEN BAY PACKERS

If you haven’t watched all of ‘The Wire’ yet I refuse to speak to you.

ADBREAK

Yes, I’m easily amused.

GAMES WORTH INVITING STEVE IN FOR A ‘SPITROAST’

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES v ATLANTA FALCONS

The Eagles are doing their standard end of season run, and Atlanta are stuck in 2nd gear. Anyone remember Michael Vick? He looks good holding that clipboard. There will be Atlanta fans who will cheer him for still breathing, but he will play little to no part in a decisive Philly win.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS v WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Oh I’m going to enjoy this. I’m going to enjoy every minute of this cosmic level beatdown. I loath the current Redskins on so many levels. Feast on them Mr Brees. Eat them alive.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS v ARIZONA CARDINALS

We still love you Matt Leinart, oh king of the Cali hot tub. You’re about 1/100th as talented as your opponent Brett Favre, but hey, you’ve still got some rope with me. If this NFL thing doesn’t work out Adrien Grenier is always looking for a wingman.

COLLEGE GAME WORTH CHEATING ON THE NORDEGREN TWINS FOR:

ALABAMA v FLORIDA, SEC Championship Game, Atlanta

You want a football slugfest? This is a football slugfest.

Two teams loaded with talent take each other on for HUGE personal stakes, and a spot in the BCS Championship Game.

For ‘Bama this is a return to the promised land for a program steeped in history and with some of the most enthusiastic boosters in College Football. And its almost complete redemption for Nick Saban, a college football god who took LSU to the Championship in ’03 and building the team that won in ’07 before almost destroying his reputation during a stint in the NFL. As Colin Cowherd put it this morning, they run an offense straight out of 1968, but it sure works.

For the Gator’s Tim Tebow this is a crucial step on his path to actual deification.

Tim kicking back after 5 hours of bible class

The cult of personality that surrounds this guy would be nauseating if he wasn’t as good on and off the field as advertised.
In terms of media/fan/coach fawning (Florida’s Urban Meyer broke down crying talking about Tebow this week) Tebow-mania has no real parallels. It is all-encompassing. Even Snoop Dog praised him on national TV today.
Should Florida NOT win this game the legend would take a mighty hit.
These guys will probably forgive him though.

– Mark Tierney