Tag Archives: Colts

Mardi Gras in Miami – Superbowl 44

5 Feb

Officially the Whitest Man in America


So.
Here we are.
The biggest NFL game of the year, in a city built for a party.
(puts sunglasses back on) “It appears the Mardi Gras has come to Miami!”
“YAAAAAH!!” (Huge chiming guitar chords, into hideously out of time Keith Moon tom fill)

Because of films and TV, we all think we know what Miami, or at least South Beach is like.
Trust me, you don’t know the half of it. While I still rate Sydney as being the most dangerous city to your health I’ve ever experienced (I’m sure I lost a kidney in the L’otel Darlinghurst once) , Miami is not far behind. I lived there for a year, and trust me, I barely remember any of it. Like none. Zero.

'hey...what time is it? I gotta go to work'

Occasionally I have random flashes like I imagine war veterans or 60’s hippies get, and they are as strange and as terrifying as theirs. Jumbles of colour and bodies and bass heavy sound.
The oddest part is usually the first part of the memory is feeling heat on my skin. Trust me, Jim Cameron’s working on how to replicate that for the Avatar sequels, because tactile memories are intense and frightening.
I feel that muggy Miami heat crawl up my arm, and then I feel the blinding whiteness of the sky at the back of my eyeballs.
All that burnt orange sky a la Bad Boys or Miami Vice is just filters folks.
CSI Miami, with its blue skies and sunsets is shot in Long Beach CA. There was a reason most of the original Miami Vice TV show takes place indoors or at night. Only the excellent Burn Notice uses the real, awful, hard Miami light.

Garielle Anwar of the excellent Burn Notice. Did i mention i like this show?

How will this atmosphere affect the game? 10, 20, 30 years ago Miami would have meant player arrests for solicitation, assault or public drunkenness and guys playing the game with hangovers. Now we’re either at vehicular manslaughter, or nothing. Even the fans are subdued these days. Rhianna is supposed to be playing to 300,000 on South Beach tomorrow night, but they will all be South Florida kids who couldn’t care less about the game except as a good place to score johns or cougars. (Please note: Rhianna playing a free gig at the beach while The Who play the SB halftime show. Thank you ‘wardrobe malfunction’.)

So no advantage for either side there. (Having said that, if Peyton Manning is busted with a transvestite hooker then Tiger will start running around Mississippi screaming ‘Free at last! Free at last!’.)

How do they do cheerleader wise?

SAINTS

Who Dey?

COLTS

Nice use of the horseshoe

Like the game, this is very close.
But given the poor recruiting area the Colts have to deal with (trust me, Indianapolis is a lot like Invercargill with a racetrack) you have to give them the vote.

Which is how the game will go.

The Colts win this going away. In fact it may be over by the third quarter. It will take a David-Tyree-catch level of upset to beat them.

The Colts are immensely good and ruthlessly efficient. And that’s BEFORE you add in Peyton Manning. Honestly, this team may well be in the SB with dad Archie Manning at QB they are that good, but when you have the smartest football player of all time running the offense, well, the Saints had the right idea when they talked about trying to knock him out early.
Peyton has no equal at reading the game while in it.
He is the Zidane of the NFL in a button down shirt and tidy sweater.
Other QBs have better arm strength, can run, or can match him for guts (including the Saints’ Drew Brees). No-one else can read what a defense is doing better than him.

On the other side of the ball is a defense that will use speed to counter Saints’ coach Sean Peyton’s inventive offensive schemes. The Saints will score, especially early, but its like watching a poker tournament where the old pro lets the kid win a few pots to learn his style, then destroys him over time.
Having the lightest defensive front in the league as the Colts do isn’t a weakness if you need to adjust quickly, which is exactly what the Saints are vulnerable to.

I think the Saints will score first, and could even lead close to the half. But then the Colts will drop the hammer.

COLTS 38 SAINTS 24

Meanwhile this year I will be watching the game in Las Vegas, at Emeril Lagasse’s (he of the ‘bam!’ and a boatload of plastic surgery) Stadium Grill at the Palazzo.

pass the hot sauce mon cherie

It’s a bar! Its a 5 star restaurant! It’s a sportsbook! It’s nuts! I’ll be able to place a prop bet on the size of Reggie Bush’s penis vs his rushing yards while scarfing $15 Salmon Tartare!
Obviously given Lagasse’s heritage it will be a Saints fest in there, but hey, most places will be. I mean let’s be honest – if you’re not from Indiana why would you be a fully fledged Colts fan?
Whereas New Orleans, birthplace of jazz and crab louie and the most sexy/godforsaken accent this side of John Candy in ‘JFK’ (see below)? Have you never seen The Big Easy (hilarious trailer here)? They will be the sentimental favourite sure.

But on Sunday in Miami, they will meet the least sentimental football team in the NFL.

(puts on sunglasses, looks away from camera)

“Mardi Gras,………(LONG ASS PAUSE)…..is officially over.”

CUE MUSIC

– Mark Tierney

PS: I will be tweeting the game because a) I finally want to use that space for something and b) I’m a dick. Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/marktierneyfilm

Advertisements

Crunch Time In The Bayou

22 Jan

Kim K. She'll be behind Reggie Bush. And then later, he'll be behind her.

High Noon At The Superdome.
Or Battle Of The Gunslingers.
Or any other ESPN-like sobriquet. I feel like Colin Cowherd right now (and kudos to him for having a media career with a name like that. The only people cool enough to get away with a name like Colin are drunken Irishmen and Barbasian cricketers).

There are two games this weekend, but while both have points to recommend them, its the NFC Championship game between the Vikings and the Saints that has story lines that transcend the NFL.

40 year old Brett Favre vs reborn gunslinger 30 year old Drew Brees.

Running backs Adrian Peterson and Reggie Bush both trying to live up to frustratingly unrealised potential.

A team that mortgaged its soul for a shot at the SuperBowl(see BrettFavre/Vikings above) vs a team that have NEVER been there.

Prince vs Kim Kardashian for celebrity mascot.

PS: Carl Jrs? EXCELLENT. Their ‘Six Dollar Burger’ (which costs $4 – don’t ask) is a slice of beetroot away from perfection.

And finally something about how a trip to the Superbowl will finally ‘heal’ New Orleans after Katrina.
I have no idea how that one is supposed to work – I can’t imagine too many residents of the 9th Ward were season ticket holders – but the American media have been repeating it ad-nauseum since 2006 so it must be true right? Right?
Its like ‘√ćnvictus’ : sport heals all wounds and makes cities/countries feel better about/ignore being poor and decrepit.

Sport is very good like that apparently.

It’s dizzying. I have no idea who to root for in this.
I will feel bad for whomever loses.
That’s pretty rare in this game.

There is no point reiterating here the Brett Favre story. Do I think he’s a vacillating, me-first dick? Yes. Did I find the below endearing somehow? Yes. Yes I did.

[Damn! YouTube took the clip down. Ok, Imagine Brett Favre doing a VERY bad version of the American Idol viral hit ‘Pants On The Ground’ in a charged up Vikings locker room as a payoff on a bet with an injured receiver. You have no idea what I’m talking about do you? Ok, carry on]

But now that I’m older than the oldest QB playing in the NFL (the real gut check time – passing captain of the ABs in your late 30’s), I don’t care about any of the off field stuff. I just want to watch him chuck it 50 yards on a rope.
Can he still do that?
Hell, yes.

Last week he threw a touchdown to hot receiver Sidney Rice that was the equivalent of landing a football nose down on a beer coaster that was doing 30 miles an hour away from you.

Rice never broke stride and the ball LANDED IN HIS LEFT HAND.
Zinzan’s famous over-the-head omelette flip, Randy Johnson killing a seagull with a fastball, and LeBron’s full court baskets notwithstanding, it was one of the most amazing throws I have ever seen.
For that he can behave as much like the high school jock who just won’t leave school as long as he likes.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS v NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Picking a winner here is very tough. If both teams play to their full potential this is actually a low scoring, brutal game. On that basis its the Vikings.
But if New Orleans can hold its nerve, and Bush plays as he did last week behind that awesome offensive line, the Saints take it.
But I’ll stick with the Vikings by 7, if for no other reason than having BF in the SB will make television ratings history.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS v NEW YORK JETS

Not that this game is chopped liver, but when the most entertaining person on one side is the coach (the fantastic Rex Ryan) that’s not good.
If NY wins this, then yes there is a Santa Claus.
A Santa Claus dressed in a XXXXXXL green hoodie and fresh from the Bada Bing.

Satin Dolls in Lodi NJ, the actual Bada Bing.

With their excellent defense and strong running game they will give the Colts fits initially, but it will only take Manning & Co 5 good minutes at any time in the game to beat the Jets.
Bookies always give points: in this one I’ll give turnovers. Indy can fumble or be intercepted up to 5 times and they will still win.
Its been a terrific, amazing ride for Sexy Rexy and the Sanchize, but it ends here.

Unless it doesn’t.

3 more hours then back to the babes, Mark.

– Mark Tierney